That is all

This weekend started out alright I guess. Double XP to look forward to on CoX, party at laurens on Saturday as always but then things had to go to shit right? CoX has been pretty dead for the last few weeks, people are busy, and we're all pretty disappointed with the new I8 and so on but then I guess all the drama had to explode out this weekend. I don't even know how I got brought into it at all seeing as how I don't play much anymore and the people I socialize from the game are few and far between. All I have to say is, I was fine with things the way they were and I haven't done or said anything that anybody should get huffed up over, except maybe Gizmo but he didn't know I was just joking around with him like I do with Grave. People need to calm down and realize, it's just a damn game.

If this school year has taught me one thing, it's that relationships suck. I have made quite a few good ones and maintained a few others but my desires always get shut out. It's just not happening, and in some cases I think the current standing would have to be the second hardest thing I've had to deal with in my life.

Duty sucked this week. I got paged to document 2 situations at 1:30am, but both those rooms learned one very very important thing for this semester. My name is Kaz, and if you fuck around then I'm gonna get you and the more you struggle the faster you'll get moved outa here. I'm glad he put me on the hardest night of the week actually, this is my forte in this job and now I feel like I'm really doing something.

Classes are going well. Still straight A's of course, but with only a few assignments and quizes in that's not saying much. I hope to keep that goal, and all the people who would distract me know whats going on.

The gym is going well enough. I already moved up a level across the board in the middle of last week. I'm going to up my days I think, maybe 4 a week would work better.

Now I am both tired and sleepy.

what the heck, did i mention i skipped a chuck norris video?

Not totally unrelated... is it?

NINJA STRIKE!

so i def just had 2 pretty distinct dreams lasy night. and i guess they weren't even that wierd.

the first one was about the distant future, like 8 years or so. i was driving to somewere like a bowling alley or somewhere to meet my friend rick to do something or other. but for some reason the parkinglot reminded me of neuqua's parking lot. and also i was under the impression that we had both just gottne off of work before what i was dreaming. that was really it for this one.

the second dream i had was waaaay more detailed. i was driving evan to work for whatever reason and it started out ok, evan tried ot make some conversationbut wasn't being too annoying and at that point he was sitting in the passanger seat. then basicly the next thing i remember is he was in hte back and talking, and i would respond to what he said, but then he would ignore it or say something that made no sense. i looked back and he was on his cell phone. then he started being an ass an ripping the fabric off of the ceiling and badmouthing me to his friend. so what i did was i stopped the car, and i rmemeber exactly where it was in the dream... we weren't even out of white eagle yet, and i got out, and opened his door and threw his ass out. so he started doing the steriotypical, mom is gonna be so angry and i'm gonna kick ur ass bs that he does when he doesn't get his way and he was crying and i closd his door and he tried to climb across my seat before i got in to get back into the car. but then i grabben him by basicly the back of the neck and hurled him like 10 feet away into somebody's flower bed, because now for some reason i had pulled over in somebodys driveway...

that was really it for those, i normally don't remember that much detail from my dreams especially if i have 2 like that.

whoa like working is wierd. i have to... do stuff? i even got some kids hours tommorow. so now i've worked since thursday... to monday 4- at least 8:30, usually later. oh well at least the pay is decent. although it's not helping my plans to go running or bike riding...

so i got stiffed today for the first time. i drove all the way out past our no delivery line in bolingbrook to basicly schmidt lane and delivered to this guy, who then didn't tip me anything. and it wasn't like oh i have no cash, sry... it was a credit card which meant all he had to do was write a number on a line and i got some tip.

yup so i have like 9 more weeks till i'm gone for NIU, kinda a nice way to look at things actually. i hope it's enough time to fit in time for everything, working isn't helping my social life eithor. oh well time to go to sleep, or something.

6 months without regular lifting had a much larger drain on me than i thought, well now that i've lost most of my previous strength and replaced it with momentum instead, it's time to get it back.

worked yesterday, i actually ended up taking the close shift because the other guy didn't really want to take it. i made a little more than i did on saturday, i just worked like 2 more hours. fully consider pulling an allnigher right about now... but then by 4 when i go to work i might be in trouble...

things seem to be moving in the right direction again, most of the stuff with my mom is settling down sorta, college is a clear path from here and work is cake.

need to do some serious hanging out with people. so far i haven't been spending much if any time with fred or jason not to mention melissa. well i guess i'll put 2 and 2 together, need more time, not enough time with those people? well i guess it's time for that all nighter. might need some vanilla coke later on...

well i'll be here and awake all.

nuff said.

well it's a miracle, i calmed down and got a grip. thx to everybody who reminded me that even if i do manage to become cast into shadow i'll still have a torch to help light the way. sry if i freaked anybody out yesterday, that happens every once in a while now. not very fun.

and now i off to get some sleep.

i have just realized something whilst sitting her talking with people on aim. the tricking my parents hasn't been a strech anymore. but nonetheless i get more and more tired as i get closer to the day of reckoning. i've noticed 2 things actually. now the fight is not even really between me and my parents, it's against myself.

i'm scared, i'm scared shitless. i know it, i feel it, and i even live it. i'm starting to worry that i might not make this, and as oddly as it sounds it seems my emotions are going to be the first to fall.

today i had a few scary thoughts, the kind that u get when something drastic is happeneing and you just want out. the idea flashed through my head that if i really really really tried i could grovel enough and maybe be a good enough slave that my parents would just let me stay and then everything would be normal and ok.

needless to say i quickly freaked out, not just because i'm getting all unstabble, but that my parents might be winning. i won't let them. they have had me for too long as it is. i just worry that something will fail, a huge gapping hole in my plan will open up an swallow me whole.

it's almost february. jsut about 24 days left, i hope i can make this work. i can't let my life go down the drain just because my parents are psychotic. now that i think about it, i won't let them take it from me, why should they have the right to take me and screw with my head so much? what do they think they are doing? is this some crazy idea of how you're supposed to raise a person?

it's me vs me this time. the question is which one of us will win and which one will perish.

the rollercoaster of emotions no longer has any safety bars. i hope there aren't any extended periods of being upsidedown.

Stolen from ana, i'll give it back when i'm done, then she can give it back to mandi. lol

Pick ONE from each pair that you think describes me the best & leave it in the comments. Then copy this and post it in your own journal to see how your friends view you.

dominant or submissive
logical or intuitive
social or loner
kinky or vanilla
cute or sophisticated
kitten or puppy
warm flannel sheets or sleek satin
leader or follower
quiet or talkative
spontaneous or planned
prep or rebel
goofy or responsible
funny or serious
sarcastic or sincere
artistic or sporty
geeky or hip

the entire post can be summarized with this, i am to tired to make a post....

for the first time in years, i ahve been listening to meatloaf on a pretty regualr basis. this is a scary thing to me. few of his songs even sounded good last year, and weren't worth draggin a cd around for anymore.

i think i am always destin to feel whats going on, but never actually know how to interpret those feelings.

and tonight, bat out of hell 2 will be up to the plate.